Occupy the Board Room!

One hundred and seventeen dollars | 83  

Jamie!

Happy Hump Day! We're almost at the weekend, thank goodness. Got any big plans? I had been planning to go visit some friends at Occupy Oakland, but then that whole debacle happened last night. I mean, to be fair, the protesters TOTALLY had it coming. Come on! Like there's some sort of "law" regarding "peaceable assembly"! As if! Look, I think all reasonable people can agree that the police have to be able to break up dangerous groups of people doing stuff like "dancing in the street" and "helping to feed and clothe each other" and "addressing the government for grievances." That stuff could get out of hand FAST.

Anyway, WHATEVER. This isn't about that. This is about MONEY. Dude, apparently you got a stock bonus of $17,000,000 last year? In addition to your salary of $16,000,000? That's (hold on... carry the one...) THIRTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS? So cool. I mean, really, that's so cool considering how just the year before your company helped to nearly bring down the global economy and had to borrow $100,700,000,000 (billion with a b!) from the government just to get by. That's a pretty big turnaround. And it's obvious that I didn't go to business school, because I would have assumed that if you, as the boss and everything, suddenly found yourself ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS in the hole you'd, you know, have to "resign". Or maybe get arrested for posing a danger to the public welfare! Haha just kidding! Nobody deserves that!

So, Jamie: I was doing some quick math (I used a calculator). The IRS apparently took in $2,345,000,000,000 in taxes in 2010 (good year for them!), of which I paid $2,728, or 1.16x10(-9)% of the total income, which is $117. So I kind of feel like $117 of the money you received in federal bailouts came from me! You haven't yet personally thanked me, but I know there are a lot of people to thank, and if you're doing it alphabetically (I know I would!) I'll be right around the middle somewhere. I expect you'll get to me by, say, 2017. LET ME SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE: I know you're thankful, and you're very welcome.

But... um... this is a little awkward to ask (sorry for burying the lead here). I was kind of hoping you'd lend me $117? You KNOW I'd do the same for you, Jamie. I already did! And I know my loan came "no questions asked" but I'm a TERRIBLE businessman, and you're not, so I suspect you'd like to know what I'm going to spend it on. NO PROBLEM.

3 bananas: $0.41 (these will be a gift)
1 baby elephant stuffed animal: $12.99 (this is for me)
1 copy of Glenn Greenwald's new book "With Liberty and Justice for Some": $26.00 (what can I say? I love fiction!)
1 "rustic wood shelf" from Pottery Barn: $65 (my old one's not quite rustic enough)

Sales tax: $10.24 (always gotta pay taxes, right? right?)

Total: $114.64

I haven't figured out how to spend the other $2.36... oh, do you need a cup of hot chocolate? I could bring one to you. It's totally the least I could do for your willingness to lend me the money. Does PayPal work for you? Let me know.

Hope you're having a great day!

Smooches,
Dave