letters and counting!
I heard the news! | 20
Dear Mr. Lynch, I heard the other day that Bank of America, among other banks, isn’t doing so well. Seems all those uncollateralized CDOs and European derivatives are catching up to you. Curious, though, the day before that, the banks were saying their business was better than ever. How can that be? Well, I think I know. You’re keeping more than one set of books, just like you did in 2008, aren’t you? I bet you have one to show to your shareholders, another to show to investors to convince them to invest, another to show the Fed so you can get more bailout money, and perhaps one to show to the SEC to convince them you don’t need their regulations. Or perhaps you just have one for your company’s main arm and others for all the spin-off subsidiaries that are holding your debt. Am I close to the truth? The fact is, Mr. Lynch, Bank of American isn’t fooling anyone. The advantage to having a large number of unemployed college graduates in society is that we have lots of time to read and follow the national news. And you probably thought we were just watching Jersey Shore. Ha! Now we know you’re trying to move your European derivatives to your FDIC insured deposit base so taxpayers will have to pay for those derivatives if and when Greece defaults. I have to say, your business plan is nothing short of astonishing. It must go something like this: 1. Lie to investors and regulators. 2. Be as unhelpful to customers as possible to keep them on the hook. 3. Charge outrageous fees and interest rates for everything. 4. If customers complain, blame them for not reading the fine print. 5. Buy up corrupt, over-leveraged institutions to expand our influence. 6. Protect the company from risk by pushing obligations onto others. 7. Fight regulations that seek to limit our activities. I wonder which Ivy-League business school teaches this plan. I have to say, it’s pretty revolutionary…as evidenced by the crowd of protesters outside your door, no doubt. Just a friendly reminder from your pen pal that we’re watching your company’s activities with great interest. Sincerely, April K.