Occupy the Board Room!

I Am On Your Side! | 16  

Brian Moynihan!

Check this out: I just realized something that you probably figured out a long time ago. Did you know your name fits perfectly to the chorus of the Joan Jett song "I Love Rock & Roll"? It does! I've been singing it all morning!

BRI-AN MOYNIHAN!

PUT ANOTHER CHARGE ON THE PEONS, BABY!

BRI-AN MOYNIHAN!

CHARGE 'EM FIVE EXTRA BUCKS PER MONTH IN THANKS FOR GIVING MY BANK AN INTEREST-FREE LOAN WHAT A BUNCH SUCKERS!

I need to do a little work on the meter of that second line.

Anyway, HI! I thought I'd send you a little note in solidarity. I saw that article in Bloomberg News (here, in case you missed it: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-10-26/-incensed-moynihan-fights-bofa-critics-with-main-street-appeal.html) where you told your employees that you're "incensed" that people are angry at your bank.

Seriously, right? The nerve! How DARE they criticize you! I mean, all you've done is run a company that messed up so badly that you had to borrow 25 billion dollars from the taxpayers in the fall of 2008 and then 20 billion more dollars in 2009 and then 5.2 billion MORE dollars channeled through AIG and then thanked those self-same taxpayers by firing 30,000 people in order to "cut expenses" in the same year that you personally took home a $950,000 salary as well as a 9.05 million dollar stock bonus! What ARE they complaining about?

Look, this is totally fair. Your compensation is only 225 times the median household income! What did they want you to do? Save 224 of those jobs by spreading your compensation out and then trying to live on $44,657 a year? How is that even POSSIBLE? NOBODY could do that (I mean, besides your bank tellers who get paid about half of that)! You'd have to do your own laundry, and take the subway to work, probably have to get a Grande instead of a Venti most of the time. Maybe even a TALL? Absurd.

I totally get it. You're running a great business. A great AMERICAN business. The Bank of AMERICA. And nothing says "America" to me than "borrowing people's money, charging them for it, then charging them more for it, then charging them more for it, and then getting angry when they get angry because they've just noticed how ridiculous this is, and then falling back on an excuse that you do some charity work as if that somehow excuses your company's open contempt of the very people who saved you from almost destroying the economy of the entire planet!" USA! USA!

I'm on your side, B.M. Keep up the good work. The good AMERICAN work.

Butterfly kisses,

Dave

P.S. It's true, I am on your side, but please rest assured that I'm not using your bank. What am I, stupid like the rest of your customers? They're paying you for the privilege of lending you their money so you can fire them! Haha!