Occupy the Board Room!

An Invitation to Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit | 26  

Vikram, my man! How are you holding up?
 
Not too well, I imagine. I saw how over the past five weeks something like a million customers left their banks to join Credit Unions because of twaddle like "you guys being human leeches" or whatever. BULL (like that statue on Wall Street!). Please note I will NEVER abandon you, Vikram. Not even if you knowingly defraud your customers.
 
Oh hey, on an unrelated note, I saw how your company had to pay a $285,000,000 settlement because you knowingly defrauded your customers, and how the SEC made you "promise" not to do it again. CHUMPS. Remember how you made the same "promise" not to defraud your customers in July of 2010, and in May of 2006, and in March of 2005, and in April of 2000? I guess they don't! Haha, suckers. 
 
I'm so glad this law exists where if you massively profit off of breaking the law nothing happens to you as long as you give back a tiny portion of the money and promise not to do it again. Last month, I was caught breaking into a department store (I won't tell you which one but it rhymes with "J.C Lenney's") because they had this maroon sweater-vest I wanted ($37.99! A "Steal"! Haha!). The police later caught me and I was like "I SWEAR I won't do it again" and they were like "OK, fine, give us $12 and we'll call it lesson learned, right?"
 
Vikram, I'm wearing that sweater right now and it is LUSCIOUS.
 
Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about YOU. Are you so depressed right now? Because of how you found out that all of your customers hate you for no good reason other than that stuff about you repeatedly making millions of dollars for yourself by stealing from poor people and then getting away with it? I imagine you must be pretty miserable. Just so you know that someone out there still loves you, I wanted to invite you over to my place for Thanksgiving. It's a fifth-floor walkup (that's where there isn't any elevator. positively DICKENSIAN) but it's cozy, and I think we'd have a great... oh, wait a second, you live at The Beresford? Just kidding, I'll come over to your place.
 
I'm going to bring a couple of my friends, if that's OK. I'm just going to invite the US soldiers on whose homes you illegally foreclosed. Oh, and the thousands of people whose foreclosure forms were robo-signed without due diligence. And, actually, as long as I'm at it, everybody in the US who (unlike Citigroup) actually pays Federal taxes since we were all swindled in this boondoggle.
 
We'll come in shifts if you think we won't all fit at once. No need to go overboard, either. If you buy food in bulk you should be able to feed us all for, I don't know, let's say $1 apiece. It'll cost just a little bit more than your most recent fraud settlement.
 
But we'll only come over this once, Vikram. We PROMISE not to make it an annual thing.
 
Stay strong. Stay crafty. See you next Thursday!
 
Gentle cheek caresses,
Dave

Dave
10039